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How to dom me more than once June 1, 2011

Posted by Leah in D/s.

I am intelligent. I am industrious. I am competitive. I am ambitious. I am opinionated. I am feminist. I am feminine.

I am also submissive.

I like a man to take control during sex. I like that he uses me as his fuck-toy. I like being overpowered physically. I like the way he insists on having sex as he engineers it. I like the names he calls me. I like when he is rough with my body. I like pain and have a reasonable tolerance for it. I like how he applies his creativity and intellect to render me an instrument for his pleasure.

These are aspects of one persona (mine).

Most of the sex I have these days transpires in the context of no strings encounters, often with men I meet on the internet. It is easy for a woman in her mid-twenties to find sex in an urban and cosmopolitan environment, and I have one night stands as a consequence of various chance meetings, but the fact is that I seek kink in order to sate the emotional and inner yearnings at my core. While I indulge my appetites with frequency, very few of my partners end up achieving fuck buddy status. This is not by design.

I like having regular play partners for the simple reason that by virtue of friendship and familiarity with each other’s bodies and desires, the experience of sex becomes heightened for both of us. Rarely, however, do I spend more than one night with a man. It is difficult for me to find people I like well enough and with whom I have sufficient chemistry that a friends with benefits arrangement becomes conceivable. The added constraint of having a similar philosophy regarding domination and submission complicates matters.

I have a checklist for what I look for in a regular. I need to have fun in his company. I need him to treat me as an equal in the non-sexual context. I need him to fuck well, paying attention to my orgasms in addition to his own. I need him to be mindful of my limits as he pushes me. I need him to treat me as an equal participant in the kink. I need him to make me feel safe while I am challenged physically and submerged in submissive mental spaces. I need him to conduct a seamless transition from camaraderie to carnality. I need him to respect me — before, during, and after the play.

It is the rare man who can do all of these things for me. I might have a nice date with a guy, go to bed with him, play hard, and then discover an unevenness in how we interact afterwards. The laughter isn’t as free. The second date has a tension to it. Having treated me once as his slut and his bitch, he no longer regards me as an independent personality. He attempts to assert his dominance within a quotidian context, where power games are inapposite. A boundary has been crossed. Much of this may not happen in any overt manner. But it’s the vibe I get. It’s a subcutaneous sensation intuited from how we communicate. He fails to appreciate that my submission arises from my volition rather than his will. I no longer trust him sufficiently to place myself in his power. Under the circumstances, we won’t have sex again. A relationship can’t develop.

Possibly, I am misinterpreting his intentions. Possibly, I am being unfair in my judgments. It isn’t about fairness though. I can only rely on my instincts. And my instincts tell me that we have exhausted our potential the first time and that I should look for someone new.

The dominant men who successfully get me into bed a second time and ultimately become regular play partners have the ability to compartmentalize. They recognize that submission and kink exist only within a particular context. Both when we are having sex and when we are not, they exhibit respect for me as a person. The friendship extends to both places. I am tied up, he pours hot wax over my breasts, and next spanks my cunt until I cry. When we have a glass of wine after sex, he laughs at the joke I make at his expense. He uses the flow of his urine to wash his semen from my face, and then, following the shower, he towels me off with infinite tenderness and care. We go to a concert together, and I buy dinner because it’s my turn.

He is dominant. I am submissive. But I never feel that he is my better or that I am his inferior.


1. Leah - June 1, 2011

This essay appeared initially as a guest post on MetAnotherFrog.com.

2. feministsub - June 1, 2011

I really could not have said it better.

3. Reva - June 1, 2011

Inapposite – I’ve learned a new word thanks to you!

4. deliciouslydeviant - June 1, 2011

Well said! One of the aspects of the sub/dom dynamic is that the sub is, despite appearances, in control of the encounter and sets the boundaries the dom is expected not to cross. Crossing the limits = no second chance. ‘Inferior’ and ‘superior’ don’t play a part in bdsm, we do it because we enter freely into mutual fulfillment of desires.

5. writingwithellie - June 1, 2011

Amadeo must have been glad to make it for more than seconds! I bet you’ll miss him when you leave London!


Leah - June 2, 2011

I will miss him terribly. The once a week kink has been a lifeline here.

6. Lady - June 1, 2011

Wow. Yes. Beautifully said.

7. mysubversion - June 1, 2011

*cheers wildly*

If only more people thought like us. I salute you.

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