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The silence March 17, 2011

Posted by Leah in Anilingus, Boyfriend, Cunnilingus, Fellatio, Fucking.

The boyfriend surprised me by appearing at my door two Saturdays ago. He flew in for the weekend because he thought it necessary to talk in person about the status of our relationship.

I wish I could say that the discussions that followed were a total shock to me.

The truth is that long distance has been challenging for us. The interlude in the States this winter rekindled the fires in part, but over the last several weeks — that is to say, since my return to the UK — the e-mails we have traded and our conversations over Skype have been lazy and inadequate. One of us misses an appointment because stuff happens, and the other, after rearranging the schedule and juggling plans, winds up solo and disappointed and annoyed. The internet goes down over here or over there. There is a five hour time shift with which to contend. We discover that we cannot connect when we absolutely need to talk with the one person who, at this particular instant in time, knows us most comprehensively. We find ourselves increasingly frustrated and vexed. We don’t bother to rearrange plans anymore. We talk less than we should, less than we did, far less than we must. Because of geography, the two of us drift apart: slowly: inevitably: like the continents.

We had the difficult conversations throughout the weekend. Power games set to the side, we had fond and unhurried sex. I sought to commit his scents and tastes to memory, the flavor of his semen, how he touched me and the way I touched him back, those kisses, that tongue flickering inside my pussy and my anus like a flame. I compressed the muscles of my vagina about his shaft, raised the pelvic floor, and listened to the inflection in his voice as he wavered on the edge. I allowed the rictus of his face to consume my vision. His enormous brown eyes swallowed me up. When the paroxysm seized my body, I blinked away tears. He enveloped me in his arms and cradled me in the aftermath of the orgasms. He held me through the catharsis of sobs which followed. The side of a finger scooped up the semen that had leaked from my pussy. He pushed it back inside again. I giggled, and then he did, too.

We have suspended the relationship.

The love persists. So does the friendship and the affection. He and I still share an apartment in Boston. When I return to the US at the end of the summer, we can reassess and maybe revise our standing based on where we find ourselves then.

In the meanwhile, life proceeds. We have agreed that the two of us may not only fuck others, we can actively date. Falling in love is a risk we take. I am not looking for a partner for the long term. It could happen though.

Spring is a new season.

I feel liberated in this city. I feel so terribly alone.


Amadeo cooked dinner last night. We ate by candlelight. The brooding Sagrantino di Montefalco left me tipsy. Listening to Bartoli, we made out, but did not fuck. I went home so that I could sleep in my own bed, alone, with not even a sex toy for company.

I haven’t bedded with anyone since the ex-boyfriend. The physical urge is there, an omnipresent shadow. Frame of mind, mood, and disposition: these are lacking.

This remains a sex blog. I have no intention of altering that. The stories will resume once the laying does. This will happen — probably soon. Until then, I will go into a state of hibernation.


1. jnakabb - March 17, 2011

Thank you for the update. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out as planned.

Rest well. May you awaken full of vitality

Leah - March 17, 2011

Thanks for the good wishes.

2. Margo - March 17, 2011

“I feel liberated in this city. I feel so terribly alone.”

I have had that exact feeling, of that exact origin, when I was studying abroad in London some years ago. It was weird and awful for me, and I assume it may be for you as well.

I wish you all the best, and hope that this difficult period is brief for you.

Leah - March 17, 2011

Thanks. I appreciate the kind thoughts.

3. SapioSlut - March 17, 2011

We reveal ourselves most in how we behave and deal with the difficulties in life. You may not have shared all of the interchanges between yourself and your boyfriend but it is the outcome,”The love persists. So does the friendship and the affection,” that shines for me in this post.

I look forward to the relaying of lustful lays as they happen but in the meantime all the best for the hibernation period.

Leah - March 17, 2011

Thanks for the comment and the generous wishes. He and I parted on good terms.

The might-have-beens will linger for quite some time, but it was a wonderful run, and I am better for knowing him.

4. redains - March 17, 2011

Reading between the lines, he flew to London to tell you there is somebody he wants to date. Not just fuck, but “date”; i.e., consider seriously. Breakup sex can be the very best emotionally; the bad issues are all dealt with, and there is nothing left but all the familiar pleasures. You describe so perfectly a breakup of mine, long ago. We had two weeks between the decision to break up and the plane to London. Those were the best weeks we had.

I hope he is ready for you again when you return. That old apartment will rock, I’m sure.

Leah - March 17, 2011

I don’t foreclose the possibility that we will get together again, but it isn’t a prospect on which I will bank. Sometimes, 3300 miles are 3300 too many.

5. Anonymous Man - March 17, 2011

I haven’ t commented before but I visit your blog frequently. I wanted to say that I admire how you’ re handling the break-up. It must hurt so much but there is no animosity evident in what you have written. Ending the relationship doesn’ t appear to have been your idea either but you haven’ t bad mouthed him at all. I wish my failed relationships ended so well.

You are one hell of a girl Leah. I hope the next boyfriend realises this.

Best of luck! We’ re all rooting for you.

Leah - March 18, 2011

Thanks. I am glad that bitterness didn’t convey. I am not bitter, though I am sad.

6. Lady - March 18, 2011

As my boyfriend and I are currently going through long distance and I’m feeling the same things, this post almost made it cry.
All the best to you and I’m sorry that that’s why you hadn’t updated in awhile.

Leah - March 18, 2011

Thanks for offering the good wishes. My best to you as well. I hope you and your boyfriend successfully navigate the perils of long distance love.

7. No - March 18, 2011

Grad student here.

Take a few more weeks off. You need life infinitely more than we need you. You’re likely at UCL or some other highly ranked school – there aren’t many mediocre ones worth the trek abroad. You have have the balls most females lack. You’re old enough to know better and but too young to care. And you’re in a world city.

Hell, I could spend a month tracking down bootleg records and hustling Savile Row apprentices for unbranded suits on the down-low. Also: DISSERTATION DISSERTATION DISSERTATION DISSERTATION.

Leah - March 18, 2011

That’s the plan. The desire to have sex is minimal right now, and I won’t force the issue. I need the time off to get some head space. Fortunately, work and the city provide sufficient distractions.

8. H - March 18, 2011

I think it’s true that frustration is a sign of how much you both feel for each other. Long distance relationships that don’t drive you nuts and drift along are stale and empty, hollow commitments built on memories rather than sharing experiences of the present. He must truly care about you to have come all this way to see you.

I hope you feel better soon, wish you all the best.

Leah - March 18, 2011

Thanks for the good wishes. We do care about each other, and I sincerely hope that life works out for him.

9. PEarl - March 18, 2011

Hey, good wishes to you, hope you come up of from this situation soon.
Hey, does he ask or you both discuss each other about of your episode “having sex with others (as per stories)”.

Leah - March 18, 2011


10. Innocent Loverboy - March 18, 2011

Blimey, I didn’t see that one coming. I hope you’re OK.

Leah - March 18, 2011

I am holding up. Thanks for the concern.

11. Anonymous - March 19, 2011

Very sorry to hear Leah. Been a follower for several months. Take care of yourself.

Leah - March 19, 2011

Hi. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

12. PJ - March 19, 2011

People come into our lives, and leave for a reason. We’re all in individual orbits, and we cycle through others’ orbits, interacting with each other, and most of all, learning.

Your hurt will pass, you will grief the loss and mourn the past. Embrace what you experienced. Take the best away for the future (hopefully a lifelong friend), and leave what didn’t work, behind. You will be surprised how quickly you bounce back.

All the best.

Leah - March 19, 2011

Thanks for the comment. I am touched that so many are delurking to offer their good wishes. I appreciate it.

The future will surely dazzle in unexpected ways.

13. Dougie - March 19, 2011

I’m so sorry to hear that Leah.

This is my first time commenting, but i’m a long term viewer.

I don’t know any advice to give you, but judging from all the comments shown above, everyone here is here for you.

Hope you are well

D xx

Leah - March 19, 2011

Thanks. I am grateful.

14. Suilan - March 21, 2011

Leah, I’m sorry for the sadness. It was distance (although other issues existed) that eventually ended things with Sir. I hope you find the solace you need during this period of hibernation. Peace.

Leah - March 22, 2011

I am getting through it. Thanks for the good wishes and the word of experience.

15. David - March 21, 2011

Regular reader here too. Been doing the long distance thing myself for three years
For me, what makes a relationship last, and grow are shared experiences. With long distance, we are merely two individuals who’s live overlap minimally.
They must become a much clearer Venn diagram to last and prosper imho

Leah - March 22, 2011

That’s a useful image. Thank you.

16. A - March 22, 2011

Dear Leah
I am so sorry.
Take care of yourself.
A x

Leah - March 22, 2011


17. Anonymous - March 23, 2011

Some weeks ago, my relationship ended. Its been rather difficult. We all deal with different endings differently. I was surprised to find my sexual drive rather scarce this time around. Today was the first time I desired to masturbate, and so I turned to you, as I’ll often do. I was a bit behind, and always go back to where I left off, so as to continue in a chronological order. I pleasured myself to your story of outdoor debauchery. It was liberating, a symbol of a step in the next direction for me, and for that I thank you. As I inevitably made my way to your most recent post, it seemed appropriate to share this with you. May you too find your symbolic next step in the not too distance future

Leah - March 23, 2011

Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. Best of luck!

18. Emily - March 23, 2011

Oh Leah. I’m sorry to hear it. I think that breakups are easier sometimes when you can use all your anger and hurt to demonize your ex for a time. When things end they way it seems your relationship has I think it’s far more difficult to know what to do with all those hurt feelings. You’re a strong lady and Spring is coming. Warm weather and evening light will slowly, slowly make it better.

Leah - March 23, 2011

Thanks for the comment. You’re right. It would be easier if I could demonize the ex. But there’s no cause. At times, circumstances conspire against the plans we make. He hasn’t acted in bad faith. We have been talking a lot lately as friends.

I am feeling better about where I am day by day. But it still hurts.

19. Brandon - March 23, 2011

Time and distance changes all things. Love and relationships change with the tides and nature. We all change some faster than others. I enjoy your blog and intellect it is one of the distractions I use to break apart the constant flow of my life’s mundane tasks. Looking forward to kore exploits and your naration of your events.

Leah - March 23, 2011

Thanks for the comment. I imagine the dry spell will continue for a bit as I am not yet feeling the compulsion to fuck.

20. Marie - March 24, 2011

I can totally understand the lack of compulsion to do much of anything after an emotionally draining event such as a break up. I have to say though, I have missed the updates. Reading your prose has been the highlight of my study breaks this year, and I look forward to when the blog picks back up.

Leah - March 24, 2011

Thanks for the kind words.

I have been masturbating a lot this week. Even if it’s simplest, there’s only so much pleasure that self-pleasure can bring. I expect that the dry spell won’t be of a lengthy duration. I am not ready yet though. I need a bit more time to process the new realities.

Marie - March 25, 2011

It’s very true – when our world shifts we have to take a minute to see everything clearly again. I tend to be very introspective on a whole and can relate to the sentiment of needing to process such a change.

I agree with you about masturbation, sometimes no matter how great the orgasm it’s not quite enough to fill or fulfill that need. I’ve found myself at a place in life where I am much more casual with sex than I have been – mostly due to my current circumstances (I’m a first year law student, and I have extremely limited free time). But, partially I think its that I’ve come to appreciate my own needs and separate the physical needs from the emotional ones and to realize that its healthy to fulfill both, even if not simultaneously.

Leah - March 25, 2011

You and I may be in similar places then. When I look for it, sex is easy to find. But how does one take care of the emotional needs in a city that’s still new with friendships that are developing rather than firmly established? This has been a challenge that the break-up has brought to the fore. There hasn’t been anyone nearby that I could talk to or use as a sounding board. For these purposes, Skype has its limitations.

I tell myself that I am one of the lucky ones. I have been coping, but it’s taking longer than it otherwise might.

21. Ellis - March 24, 2011

Hey Leah, its Ellis. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear about this and I hope things improve. These kinds of things are never easy, I remember when things ended with my girlfriend of almost two years. It was liberating in a sense, but very lonely and saddening in another sense. =\

In and around Boston is no fun this week, its even snowing again. Again I am very sorry to hear about this and I wish you all the best. 🙂

Leah - March 24, 2011

Thanks for the good wishes. I hope Boston warms up.

22. David - March 31, 2011

How is your health Leah?

Leah - March 31, 2011

I am well. Thanks for checking up on me.

David - April 1, 2011

good, good 🙂

23. st_gulik - April 3, 2011

I take a week off from life and your life changes deeply. I’ve been a reader of yours for a few months and I feel your pain and void. I too went through the same thing about a decade ago and I was also in a city with few friends. I took a stab in the dark at deepening one of them, and it made all the difference. Best of luck. London is a beautiful city.

Leah - April 4, 2011

Thanks for the kind words. It was a rough few weeks, and possibly the weeks ahead won’t be any better. Having sex as an outlet again is a step forward.

24. Malcolm - July 24, 2011

I am new to your blog. I have been reading from the beginning. Whilst the sex is always astounding, this feels to me to be the most intimate and emotional story you have told. I’m moved to offer my best wishes some months too late. I’d like to know how you’re doing. Are you over the break-up? Will you look for someone new on returning to the U.S.A.? If it isn’t picking at a scab better left alone, perhaps you are willing to share some stories about your time with him?

I realise that you may not respond to this question. That’s fine. I understand. Thank you for writing as much as you do. I hope the rest of your time in Blighty turns out to be wonderful!

Leah - July 25, 2011

I’m ok. I wouldn’t say I’m completely over him. But the relationship had run its course when it ended. Our paths have diverged. I recognize that it is close on the hour for me to finally and definitively move on. I am grateful for the time that we had together and better as a person for it. He and I remain on friendly terms.

I expect I will wade back into the dating pool when I return to Boston. I am not necessarily looking for a boyfriend straight away, but I do want something more than a casual fuck buddy. A relationship such as this won’t develop with former regulars. It will have to be with someone new.

As for stories about sex with the ex, I can only say *maybe*. He knows about the blog, of course. In order to commence a new chapter in life, I do not choose to revisit emotionally searing experiences or expose personal intimacies. Nor will I disclose what is private to him. There are stories I can tell, and possibly, I will.

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