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The content of their character October 24, 2010

Posted by Leah in Gallimaufry.

A reader asks: do you ever fuck black guys?

I deliberately avoid documenting the race and ethnicity of my sexual partners. When I allude to these points — most often, I hope, in an if you’re not reading carefully, you won’t notice sort of way — it is because the contrast between my partner and myself was momentarily striking and the mental image of the difference registered later as I set fingers to keyboard to capture the experience.

As I state in several of my CL ads, I don’t use race, ethnicity, or age as filters in selecting partners. Literacy and intelligence and attitude and imagination and good conversation and having an intriguing life and a sense of humor and a curiosity about kink are sufficiently many character traits to localize in one person without demanding more. With zero exception, however, I need to be attracted physically to proceed to bed. Conventional good looks help, but there are enough deviations in my taste that I can’t point to a physical type. While I sometimes want a huge cock and unending stamina, these are not necessary criteria either. Competence in bed and the ability to dominate a willful personality sexually exist separately from the attributes of the genitalia. Race and ethnicity neither contribute to nor subtract from the balance.

I make no claim to being free of unconscious biases in the choices I make. Who we find attractive is shaped by our social influences and also the kinds of people with whom we interact regularly and form friendships. I like to believe I run with a diverse crowd and that skin color and nationality don’t inform who I date.

To answer the question directly, yes: I have fucked black guys. I prefer to formulate this differently, however. I have fucked guys who I found interesting whose skin tone happens to be a darker shade than mine. I have assumed the submissive role with them. It has happened in London. I won’t say who. I am not going to catalog my lovers this way or indulge in stereotypes.


1. Jonathan - October 25, 2010

Bravo! Great response. A great appeal of your posts is that you could be talking about anybody, which of course makes it great for readers like me who slot themselves in your fantasies.

2. Susana - October 25, 2010

best (and most intelligent) possible answer to that question

3. Lux - October 25, 2010

Just hopping on the bandwagon to say that this is an excellent response.

4. Mike - October 25, 2010

OP here. Thanks for this post. I like your blog better knowing that you don’t discriminate.

If I can ask one more question: when you submit do you think about the historical reversal of roles? I mean, there you are, a member of the dominant social group kissing somebody’s feet or being pissed on or getting skewered by a dick up your ass. Suddenly becoming the white slave girl has got to have a mental effect, right?

Thanks again for the response.

Leah - October 25, 2010

Also, I deny being anyone’s slave girl. I get off sexually by exploring my submissive persona, yes, undoubtedly, but this is an expression of my own free will. I do it by choice. There isn’t a role reversal at all. There is a temporary power exchange to which I fully consent.

Leah - October 25, 2010

I found the original question distasteful. This one borders on loathsome.

The congress of two (or perhaps more than two) people, each giving pleasure as they can, does not constitute a significant historical moment. I do not choose partners with the intent of correcting past wrongs. My private sexuality does not — it cannot — expiate a nation’s sins. The D/s isn’t a social morality play. It’s about sexual pleasure.

I do my best to interact with people as people. I don’t represent a social group. Neither does my partner. I don’t think about what I do in such sweeping terms. His skin is a different hue. So what? He is from another country. Big deal.

Having control wrested from me in sex appeals by virtue of being physically and emotionally satisfying. Kissing my partner’s feet or being pissed on or getting skewered anally occur in the context of a dynamic I find thrilling. I look for partners whose personalities I like, who I find attractive, and who I can trust. I avoid using race and ethnicity in making the selection because, frankly, it is an irrelevant consideration.

I am not a white slave girl in service of some foreign other. I am Leah Danby submitting to a man who, in that moment, interests me. It has a mental effect for sure, but not for the reasons you imagine.

5. Leah - October 25, 2010

Thanks to Jonathan, Susana, and Lux for the very kind words. I am pleased and reassured to discover that I haven’t suddenly stepped into a parallel universe.

6. Leah - October 26, 2010

Private message to Renee: As you request, I won’t post your comment, but since you have left no way to get in touch, I will respond here.

Excepting acts of violence (rape, knowingly infecting a partner with an STD, etc.) or abuse (pedophilia, coercion from a position of authority, etc.), it’s not for me to judge the choices others make regarding the expression of their sexuality. Everyone has the right to exercise control over who shares the bed and the parameters of the sex that transpires there.

That said, as I indicated above, in my experience people are the same across a broad spectrum of humanity. I think you will find that the others you are uncertain about are no different from the people you already know and that you will be grateful for developing new friendships. I am glad that you have decided to confront your prejudices. I hope you continue to do so.

Good luck!

P.S. If you want to communicate privately, try e-mail.

7. Mike - October 26, 2010

Thanks for the response, Leah. I am tremendously sorry if you felt the questions were offensive. This wasn’t my intention. I am a fan of the blog and your writing. I hope we would be friends if we knew each other personally.

8. A.F.J. - November 2, 2010

Thank you!!! Almost as bad as people who won’t do IR are the white women who fixate on the BIG BLACK COCK. Doesn’t matter if you fuck the brotha, when race is all you see, you’re racist. It’s nice to find someone who doesn’t give a crap about color. Black, brown or white – as long as it gets up and fits in the hole and fucks you till you cum that’s ALL that counts.

Leah - November 2, 2010

Thanks for the comment. I am posting it, but I don’t subscribe to the same opinion. It’s none of my business who other people take into their beds or the reasons for the choices they make. I can only explain how I view race and sexuality.

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