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Emotional connection September 30, 2010

Posted by Leah in Gallimaufry.

A reader asks: after all this physical interfacing and intercourse, where do you get your emotional connection from? Is sex only desire filling?

There isn’t an emotional connection in a one night stand. In many respects, sex is cleanest this way. Both partners know precisely what the encounter is about, and there are no expectations for what comes after. We have our fun and go our separate ways. I like the arrangement.

Sex with a regular partner entails an emotional bond. There are other examples, but Frank’s is the most recent case. He earned subsequent invitations to my bed by being engaging conversation and a phenomenal fuck on the first go. It helped that this was a serendipitous meeting rather than a Craigslist liaison. With time a connection developed. We hung out together on many occasions that didn’t involve sex. As I noted in my farewell post, by the end of the summer we had become tight, and the sex was an extension of that friendship. As a bonus, with familiarity the play had improved because we knew what made each other happy and cared in a personal way.

Ours was not the closest bond in my life, and Frank knew that. The relationship never approximated boyfriend and girlfriend. Days would go by when we didn’t communicate even by text. There were subjects we never discussed. For all I know, he had other lovers over the course of the summer. I mentioned my occasional entanglements in passing. I talked to him about my boyfriend. Frank spoke about prior relationships but never about current ones. I didn’t press the issue.

The situation with D/s regulars is similar, except that kinky sex is involved. Part of the selection process for these fuck buddies is whether they can bring me into subspace and manage how emotional I get when I am there. Thus far, this submersion has happened in London only on three occasions, two of which were with the boyfriend. A man I called Daddy handled the third beautifully.

I get my emotional fix from the boyfriend when we are together. When apart, we still communicate every day. We talk several times a week, for hours sometimes. There is as well the occasional Skype sex, which I haven’t written about in any detail. Long distance is not ideal for a relationship that is still young and whose future remains uncertain. We manage the stress as best we can.

I am close to my family. I make friendships easily. I rely on these bonds, here and in the States, to keep me grounded and sane.

Finally, I should add that I am more comfortable writing in public about my sex life than I am about my emotional core. This inevitably tilts the focus of the blog toward the physical sensations rather than the psychological ones.


1. First Great Western Employee - October 1, 2010

Not related to this post – but what I most what to know is how do you stop D/s in the bedroom from spilling over into real life? While I’d like to try it out (D), I’m worried that it would start affecting the way I saw my non-sex relationship with that person, and with others as well. Have you found this?

2. First Great Western Employee - October 1, 2010

ie. I want to treat my girlfriend as a sub sometimes in bed, but I don’t in real life.

Leah - October 1, 2010

The short answer is that you recognize the context and behave accordingly. You don’t let the fact that you had her on a leash begging to suck your cock color how you view her thoughts in a conversation about politics. You don’t expect deference outside of play just because you pissed on her in the shower in the morning. You compartmentalize.

The long answer is here.

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