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Anatomy of a hookup July 15, 2010

Posted by Leah in Craigslust, D/s.

I am on my period, and therefore not thinking sexy thoughts at all. I figured I would write a few words about how I choose my partners, just to keep up the discipline of blogging.

First of all, there needs to be attraction. Market forces operate on Craigslist. It’s unfair, but the women have most of the choice. Conventional beauty helps, but often, I am attracted to the unconventional as well. There’s no formula. I am tempted by all kinds. Rugged masculinity and an intellectual look tend to appeal to me more than metrosexual or cute. I have done my bit for race relations in bed.

I don’t demand a huge cock — enclosed pictures of erections or testimony about the colossal dimensions of a penis are negatives. Creativity and imagination more than compensate for any smallness in size or lack of stamina. Sex is more than what our genitalia do.

Once we start writing, the correspondence needs to be engaging. Because posts get flagged swiftly, I make a quick first cull, then send e-mails to the rest asking for ideas for how the guy envisions play. I look for replies that are responsive to the ad and supply details. It’s an unusual letter that conveys the information I seek. I want to see evidence of a brain at work in the response. I want to be seduced by suspect thoughts — especially if it would be something novel for me. A sense of humor rarely goes amiss, while arrogance is severely off-putting. It’s unlikely that the sex will be a personal epiphany for me. I am looking for a good time, not a revelation or a revolution.

I have a taste for kink. I am in control of most aspects of my life, but I like to let go and have someone else be in command of my body when it comes to sex. If I am going to submit, I need to trust my partner implicitly. I need to believe that my limits will be respected and that I will be safe.

When I arrange a meeting, it is in a public space. I expect my date will be on time and well groomed. Ten minutes of waiting, and I am out. I am happy to pay my share, but if the date insists on pulling out the wallet, I can deal with that. I am looking for a man who is pleasant company and charming and who can talk about topics other than sexuality and the weather. I want good conversation, banter, and wit. Having a thrilling life that is full of adventure is a plus, but making the mundane compelling is just as good. There needs to be chemistry in addition to biology in order to proceed.

When we discuss sex, I want to know about the prospective partner’s experience with the kind of scenario that we have talked about in the e-mails. I want direct answers, without obfuscation or evasion. I don’t require letters of reference or to know who previous lovers were, but I want to hear in specific terms the background with rope, for example, if the intent is to tie me up. I need to believe deep in my bones that I will be unharmed and that the guy knows what he is doing. Visits to subspace can be emotionally draining and leave me feeling small and vulnerable. My partner needs, in my judgment, to be able to cope with that. Experience isn’t strictly compulsory. We all have to start somewhere, and I can be someone’s first. I want to see earnestness, playfulness, and sincerity when experience is lacking. The ideal dominant is open, honest, and without guile. His answers are expansive. He recognizes that my submissiveness is a temporary state, that his dominance is a trust, that props and paraphernalia are a means and not an end, that sex ought to challenge the mind and the body and most of all be fun. After a great many dates, my intuition is finely honed. If there are any warning signs at all, I bail. Most of the time, however, if I agree to meet the guy, sex ends up happening. Much of the filtering has already occurred in the e-mails.

Before proceeding to play, I take a picture of my partner and send it to a friend along with a text saying where I will be. I check in with the friend a few hours later.

There have been experiences I do not care to repeat, but I have never felt sex or submission deriving from Craigslist has led me to activities that weren’t entirely consensual or that put me in a place where I felt threatened. Knock on wood that continues.